


Flying Low

by orphan_account



Series: Flying [1]
Category: EastEnders
Genre: Chryed, M/M, Short
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-01
Updated: 2011-12-01
Packaged: 2017-10-26 18:16:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thinking...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Flying Low

**Author's Note:**

> 2 part Pre-Reveal Chryed ficlet

Flying Low

 

That was the thing about him – he overwhelmed you with his presence, making it impossible to say no, making it impossible to think, think of all the ways this was wrong, the ways this could _go_ wrong...

And it would have gone wrong eventually had he stayed.

He hated him for it, hated him for leaving, but a apart of him knew that was the selfish child in him, the greedy child who wanted it all.

He couldn't _have_ it all – Christian wouldn't let him. He demanded something in return – all of him.

And that was something he simply couldn't give.

He had never had sex like that before, never been taken out of himself so completely, so much so that when he was with in bed with Christian he absolutely believed that this was his life, what his life should be. Physical pleasure so intense, emotional satisfaction that felt like _ecstasy_ , like being on a constant high...

And then the cold light of day; the call of duty just as strong as the siren call of everything Christian offered.

Christian saw himself as highly pragmatic, but no he was a romantic, truly believed that love could conquer absolutely anything, that all you had to do was believe enough and it would happen.

Syed knew this wasn't the case. He'd tried hard enough to stop being attracted to men, something he wanted with every fibre of his being. And here he was years later so in love with his this guy that he'd invade his dreams at night.

Every dream was a dream of him with Christian, sometimes raw and passionate, sometimes so tender that he'd wake, face wet with tears, roll himself into a ball and silently wail because it felt so right and he knew he just _couldn't_ have it.

So he'd left because he could no longer wait for him, could no longer bear not having him, see him every day with Amira and not have him...

He hated him for that: cutting him off at the knees that way, as though he didn't know that Syed would be bereft without him, that _his_ pain meant more.

Yeah he knew he'd hurt him, but did he not know how it felt to want something so much and know you could _never_ have it?

Christian thought he was the one who loved more – he didn't have to _say_ it, Syed could see it in the way he looked at him ' you don't really love me do you?' and though he tried to show him that he did – in bed because that was the only place where he'd allow himself to let go – he was afraid to, afraid to give Christian that power.

If Christian ever discovered just how much he loved him he'd' have no more cards to play.

And he just had no _experience_ of love – it had never happened before.

He assumed he loved Amira since he saw her as _family_ , but what he felt for Christian was in another stratosphere.

He just didn't really understand that – how you could feel such different emotions toward two different people and call it the same thing.

If this is what loving another man did to you then he truly understand why it was haraam. Family, Allah had to come first – this sort of passionate intensity belonged to Allah, not another human being.

And that's why he wanted to marry Amira - she was safe, acceptable, fit in nicely with his life, especially now the family had accepted her and she'd accepted them. He _wanted_ stability, acceptance, a good and successful life within the bosom of his family and community. Christian made a mockery of all that, not just because he was the wrong gender, but because he was the wrong _person_ too. There was absolutely nothing safe about Christian, absolutely nothing safe about loving him. Being with him was like trying to hold a tiger on a dog leash – if you had any sense at all you'd be fully aware that he could pull free at any time and though he might be 'tame' he'd still cause a hell of a lot of damage once let loose.

Whenever he saw him he'd think of sex – couldn't pretend either to himself or to Christian. The sex really was that good. He often wonder how the hell he had the strength of will not to be all _over_ him, even on the street, even in front of other people, Amira and his family included. He'd swear he could actually see the sparks between them and seriously wondered that no-one else seemed able.

When Christian touched him, even casually he'd feel his belly flip and for a few seconds he'd lose it, having to remind himself where they were, who they were with. Christian was a master of touch, able to play him like an instrument; up, down, make him vibrate, sigh, groan, cry out.. any damn thing he wanted. And just when you thought he couldn't make it any better he'd go there, prove you wrong...

He didn't know how he was going to live without that.

The one thing that had made it all bearable was that he'd been able to _see_ him, not able to touch, kiss caress, suck, bite, lick...yet _seeing_ him brought the memory of doing all those things to him boldly to life. But now he wouldn't even have that and though he'd told Lucy he'd adjusted, had _done_ so because he _had_ to in order to stay sane he still woke up with tears on his face, the pain even more intense now since he knew that not only could he never have him, but he wouldn't even have the pleasure of seeing him.

If he came back, if he returned he didn't even know how he'd handle it.

The truth was he didn't think he was ready to.

Wanting him, resenting him, desperate for him, desperate for him to make it _easy_.

How did you even begin to set those warring emotions into any kind of order?

The truth was that he knew that were Christian to simply _touch_ him... just a touch and he'd be all over him. Didn't matter when – could be tomorrow, the day before his wedding, even on the day of his wedding, the day after his wedding, two years down the line – even having a child couldn't stop him.

And that's why he hated him so much.

Before Christian he'd been able to live with the fact that he was gay. Now he couldn't.

Before Christian he'd been able to live with the fact that his sex life was probably going to be fairly arid. Now he couldn't

Before Christian he had been able to live with the fact that passionate love was something that never happened between two men. Now he couldn't.

He knew he'd see him again.

If wanting something badly enough made it happen, the way Christian believed, then he knew he'd see him again....


End file.
